Congratulations New Recruit!

If you're reading this, then it means you've passed the Company’s rigorous screening and interview process. The system was designed to flawlessly keep out the chaff and filter the best and the most promising among the applicants. 

So again, Congratulations! You are now well on your way to committing a portion of your life to the healthy rigors of the corporate lifestyle. 

Now that you're a full fledged Vodadrone, it's time for you to learn more about what you’ve gotten yourself into. 

But first, the checklist:

Name Badge and Photo ID. Check. Access Card. Check. Pencil and pad. Check. A PC. Check. Mobile phone. Check. Earphones. Check. (trust me, you’ll need that last one.) Smile on your face is optional. Sarcasm is mandatory.

Now that part’s done, it’s time I gave you some tips on how to effectively get along the team you’re going to work with. Depending on how long you’ll last, they’ll be the people that you’ll get to see a lot of, possibly more than your family. 

Side by side, through thick and thin, for better and worse. It’s like getting married all over again.. to a bunch of people even. It's definitely no picnic*

*According to Muhannad anyway.

Tip #1 : Learn to Say No

Have you ever been to boot camp before? If not, it’s usually just about surviving and living on your own means if you ever get stuck out in the wild. E.g. Scrounging for food or wild animal encounters.

Your first couple of days would be quite similar. Unfortunately, this is a given, one that every new recruit has to go through.

On your first day, someone or something, with bear-like girth and animal like appearance will immediately demand unreasonable amounts of food from you AND gasp!, even a portion of your foreshore!!!

 
Beware! Take deep breaths to keep yourself calm, try not to appear nervous, stay absolutely still and remember to stand your ground!!! Just repeatedly say “No, no, no!” and it’ll most likely waddle off and leave you unscathed. 

However, when that ‘bear’ quickly starts wringing his right hand mid waist and sticking his tongue in and out, then you take that as your cue and skedaddle.




 Tip #2 : Build Alliances.

The age old question comes to mind : Who do you ally with?

Since you’ve just started, it’s understandable that you won’t have a clue who to trust and for that matter, who you’d be able to get along with.

But just like books, it’s quite easy to figure out what’s inside just by looking at the cover alone. It's just like those picturesque material that you see in the book store. The "half naked man with astounding washboard abs caressing the buxom woman" pretty much tells you that it's a cheesy romance novel.

Similar case here:

The Good, Bad and The Ugly (In that order. Literally.)

Now who would you most likely hang out with? Easy to differentiate now isn't it?

Tip #3. Know your Boss.

Vicki "Genghis Khan" Harris. The BI General. Tank Girl Dudding.

If it was the 1200's, she'd be at the front of the pack, leading her band of barbarians, atop her rugged and magnificent steed. She’d be clad in her padded leather armor with a ridiculously large helmet of horns protruding from each side.

She’ll be charging head on, fire in her eyes, menacing face, teeth seething with anger, sword raised high, beheading opponents unlucky enough to catch her crosshairs.

Now that I’ve painted that picture, replace the horse with a big mountain bike and that’s pretty much your new boss.

She’ll be the single most important person you don’t want to piss off, not unless you want to risk getting in her way and inheriting a two inch wide tread mark across your forehead. 

And if you're really bad, you might even get marked with a black eye. This happened one time to an underperforming ex-employee who’ll tell you that he “got it from playing ‘touch’ rugby”. Yeah, right.

Some stats:

Kids names : Julie and Morgan

Fave Anthem : Oh Canada!

Most likely spend a holiday on : Whistler

Fave Ringtones : Faith No More's "Easy". Katy Perry's "Hot and Cold".

Goes weak in the knees for : The Shirtless Dudes in Twilight.

Preferred drink on socials : Champagne

Last known mobile device : Blackberry 8820

 

In a nutshell : Very very competitive. Don't even challenge her if you do not like to lose, even for trivial sports, like say, Lawn Bowling. Also athletic, leads a healthy lifestyle, but eats pineapple lumps and jubes for breakfast/lunch.

Tip : In the event that your name is “Chris”, try to obtain legal representation and have it changed. It didn’t bode well for me after I learned that her ex shared the same name as mine. Tsk tsk. Otherwise, you’ll just have to lay low if you don’t want any of that repressed anger coming your way.

Tip #4 : Schmooze with the Second in Command.

Alex "The Slavemaster" Moffatt. Muchos Delegatoris.

Have you ever wondered where ‘work’ comes from? Ask her. 

On second thought, don’t ask or even make eye contact. She seems to have this deep-black-bottomless hole of tasks that she always has in tow. One wrong look at her and BAM!!! She dips into her skirt pocket and you get +4 tasks to last you until winter.

There were times where I was brave enough not to avert her gaze. During those moments, I could see some semblance with a certain pop tween sensation. 

Phyla Mileya Cyrusis. Party in the B of A?

Apart from their looks and the amount of booze they regularly consume, that’s probably where the similarity ends. Okay, maybe they both did pole dancing at one time but that’s another story to tell.

Alex is the go to girl for EDW Rated Usage and Billing Transactions. She’s very open and doesn’t mind sharing the exciting details about her life. E.g. be friendly and ask her about car alarm dramas. 


Very organised and likes doing things systematically. For instance, I've known a lot of people go to Disneyland for fun. She on the other hand actually obtained a printout detailing how she’ll approach the park’s features point by point following a minute by minute schedule. Amazing.

Rob : I really need to go to the bathroom soon Honey.
Alex : No you CANNOT! The Tea Cup ride’s just about to start in the next 30 seconds and I don’t want to miss it!! 

Ensure that you don’t get on her bad side as she is, after all, the one in charge of delegating tasks around the team. For bribes, she likes her coffee first thing in the morning (flat white latte with an extra shot?).
 
Fave Ringtone : Some lame song played by a band called "The Pixies" 

Known Weaknesses : The Lolly Jar and liquids with a considerable amount of alcohol in it. 

Kids : Cougar and Pixie 

In to : Yoga

Watching on TV tonight : Top Chef 

In her lunch box : Uncle Ben’s Rice 


Mobile device : Apple iPhone 3G (OS 4.0=big mistake)

Hot Tip : Her retention to detail is close to super human. Trivia, Food, Gossip and EDW – you name it and she could rattle it off the top of her head. In fact, think of things carefully before you say aloud. Once spoken, she’ll remember and definitely catch you if you were spinning any yarns.

Tip #5 : Utilise your analytical resources.

Survival in this role depends on how you cope with tremendous amounts of information that you’ll never get to use socially. (Have you ever started a conversation with “Hi, I’m a BA and I dabble with Data Models!”, seriously, who's going to fall for that?!?)

Instead, let these resources memorize the information and you could go about working on what’s going to be left of your social life. If you're desperate, you could try the classic : "Hi! I’m a developer and I could Extract, Transform, and Unload, if you know what I mean. *wink wink”

Resource 1. "Clairebear" “Masterchef” McKinney.

Seriously, was I the only one who saw the resemblance?

Regardless, whenever I see Claire, it’s actually her goodies I remember. (baked goodies you perv). Her brownies. Yummm. She gave me the recipe once but I never quite replicated the delectable cocoa taste, the insane texture that just melts in your mouth, and where every bite just make your taste buds tingle. Hmmmmm. Brownies. *I’m getting goosebumps just by thinking about it. She didn't get  crowned “Voda’s Hottest Homebaker 2010” for nothing.

This is an actual pic of her baking.

Apart from her baking prowess, she’s also known for her analytical abilities, making her a great resource for the team. You ask and you’ll get an answer. Response time varies depending on how busy she is, but be assured that your question is at the back of her mind. Think of her as a mini-google-ginga-ninja that bakes. (Don’t forget to give her a hug on May 28, Ginger Awareness Day!!)

Fave Ringtone : Likes it Silent and on Vibrate.

Kids : Laura and Ethan

Fetish on : Kiddie Artwork and Scribbles

Has got the hots for : Men with deep English accents.

Ticked off by : Calling her Irish, taking photos of her.

Hot Food Tip : Try to get a spot near the BI Lounge/Sofas as that’s where the food usually lands when she bakes.

Tv show most likely to watch : Most Hottest Homebaker

Mobile Device : Nokia E61

Trivia : She was featured in a local newspaper sometime ago.
 
Resource 2. Nelle “LOL” Contreras. The Soccer Mom.

Another awesome resource. Not just about work, but office gossip as well. New product launch? Inside scoop on the business? Who’s pregnant? Who’s dating who? You name it and she’ll likely have heard it. The team’s own personal watering hole/water cooler and you don’t even have to walk far to get to it.




Definitely easy to get along and not hard to please. Her sense of humor’s so advanced that she’ll pretty much laugh at anything you throw at her. Whether it’s load delays or bad SQL she somehow manages to find the hilarity behind it.

Alex : “We have a P2 ticket raised to deal with this load issue. The Finance guys will be breathing down our necks again due to month end. Anyway, I’m sure IBM we’ll be on it specially that Hashly’s back.” 

Nelle : “Harharharharharharharhar! Oh Alex, You’re soooo funny! Heeheeheeheehee!”

She’s very patient, fuelled by the fact that she’s been with the company for more than a decade. Don’t test it though, expect to get smacked in the head if you ask silly questions.

Fave Ringtones : The Calling's "Wherever You Will Go". Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me"

Known Weakness : Ding Hao's Roast Duck on Rice.

Also hates : her picture being taken.

Currently on : A crash diet so convoluted that even Einstein won’t be able to figure out.

Kids : Neena, Nelle Jr 1, and Nelle Jr 2

Movie she’d likely watch : Shrek

Dinner on a Friday is : KFC or Chinese takeaway

Mobile Device : Nokia 6121c

Try this for fun : Call her Nelly

Tip #6 : The Development Team

Developer A. Chantal "Zoey" Zhuo. The Administrator.

The perfect seatmate. If you ever have the opportunity to sit right beside this lady then by all means, take it. (That is, if you don't mind the afro.)

If our pod were to have dividers for privacy, you wouldn’t even know that she’s there. She’s sooo quiet that it’s like sitting right next to a potted plant. A very smart potted plant. Okay, a very smart carnivorous potted plant that eats yummy homemade Chinese food during lunch.

Her previous medical background is evident in her work. Her precise actions and attention to detail are extraordinary. Don’t mess with her! I saw her fantasize with a banana once, carefully examining the exterior before diving in to surgically peel it. I swear it's like I was in the OR watching a patient get prepped for major surgery. 

She would be the most likely candidate to resuscitate you should you suffer from a report developer stroke. [not to worry, this doesn't happen often.]

Fave Ringtone : Ringgg Ringgg.

Known Weakness : Leaves in hot water.

On her playlist : Classical Music.

Karate Kid : Andrew

Current goal : Making her husband comply with his diet

Personal Latptop(s) : Dell Inspiron 15 (Apple Green) and 15R (Glossy Pink) 

Mobile Device : Apple iPhone 3G (OS 3)

Trivia : Not sure if anybody knows, but she’s got a rare mutation that only one out of tens of millions have. You have to ask her to find out. Don't worry, it's not contagious.

Developer B. Jared "Buns of Steel" Smeath. The Terminator.

 

Probably the hardest one to read. You never know when he's serious or not. In fact, on my first day, he showed me a picture of himself so horrifying that it immediately burned an image of itself in the left hemisphere of my brain. It’s traumatic and I’m still receiving therapy for it. To this day, I’m still unsure whether he showed it to impress or deliberately scare the h#$@ out of me.

Why the nickname? It’s hearsay, but too often have I heard his shower buddies call him that. I wouldn't pry and ask why if I were you, but do ask to see his boobs dance.

So where did he get all that muscle mass from? I think its Equilibrium. The balance that nature enforces. For every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction. If there’s a predominant gain in body mass somewhere, a proportion will be taken from the least used muscle. 

(hint : the brain is a muscle).

Another great developer resource. Or has the potential to be one. Remember the mini-google colleagues I mentioned earlier? He's also like a search engine but unfortunatley only gives you one search result, which is : “I don’t know.”

When you’re really lucky, you might even hear the fake and cheery voicemail thing : “You’ve reached Jared and he’s currently unavailable. Would you like to leave a message?” even though he’s standing in front of you.

Actually, I kid. He’s one of the most reliable people around. Whenever I call in sick and need a secretary, he’s always been there to turn on my “out of office” or help me send a couple of files over. Very dependable. Never calls in sick. Early to work (also early to leave.)

Kid’s name : Ryan

Fave Ringtone : Theme from The Empire Strikes Back (he seriously needs to change it.)

Food expertise : Can cook a traditional hangi and a mean bacon/egg pie.

Currently peeved at : His kid’s diaper habits. Often calls his baby boy “the pooping machine”.

Weakness : Cannot tie his own shoelaces.

Suffering from : Freakishly obsessive-compulsive cleanliness disorder. (For goodness sake!! Spraying Oust directly on to your colleagues when they're sniffling isn't what I'd consider normal.)


Likely quoting : Arnold Schwarzenegger - "Dees eez mai vik amm"

Daily diet of : Weetbix, Apples, chop chop chicken or boneless chicken breast on rye bread.

Current TV : 32” Sony Rear Projection

Mobile Device : Nokia E91

Tip #7 : Contracting Dependency

Before we proceed, have a close look at your ID Card.

Now look at the mirror.

Now look at your ID Card again. Do you see a Green or Blue ID?

Now look at the mirror again. Do you see a pale, cynical life sucker staring back at you? If yes to both of the above, then you could skip this section and proceed to #8.

Yes, The Contractors. Often called the Vampires of the industry. Lotsus Cashus.

Slowly sucking away at company resources, bleeding it dry to the point where executives wonder where the capital budget has gone resulting to budget cuts and outsourcing all services to India.

They are unstoppable and ubiquitous. Like their namesake, they have the penchant to come back to the office no matter how many times you've driven a stake to their hearts. However, their longevity makes them great assets in terms of the information they retain.

A great source of knowledge but hard to get detached to once you’re dependent. Probably what Michael Jackson felt when kids leave Neverland? Too soon?

If they do come too close, just form your fingers in a cross like pattern and slowly back away. Again, don’t look into their eyes or the fancy suits (e.g. Count Manley the Impaler) or you’ll otherwise be drawn to their seemingly irresistible charm which would most likely result in extending their contract for another year or so.
 

Vampire. Vampires. And yep, another sparkling vampire.

Tip #8 : Overcome the language barrier

The people you’re going to work with will be as diverse as a homeless persons daily lunch.So do yourself a favour and learn a few foreign words or so. This easily gets the point across

Alex : No more tasks! – No es gebmee muchos tascos

Chantal : Can I try your lunch? – I Wana sam of ya flied lice

Jared : Please stop it with the cakes! – Kakite a cakee a-No!

McCallum : [Any swear words are fine - he's a sailor and half Irish.]

Tip #9 : The Lolly Jar

Sugar does wonders. Some people don’t get it but there’s actually a reason why I keep the lolly jar close at hand.

It’s purely psychological. Consumption of treats tend to be associated with an unhealthy lifestyle and a precursor to high risk diseases. I've noticed that when my colleagues dip their fingers into the jar do they unconsciously feel guilty about the experience and quickly disappear after indulging - pretty similar to crims who don't stick around at the scene of the crime. It's handy having it at an arms length, so they focus on that more and leave, bothering other people in the process.

Disclaimer : Not all your colleagues have souls or the accompanying sense of guilt.

Tip : Never ever ever mix the minties with the lollies! Big mistake on my end. And don’t forget to wash the metal scoop often as it always falls on the floor.

Tip #10 : Other floors and beyond.

You’re not just limited to the people in your general vicinity. If you’re brave enough, you could go exploring and plant flags ala Columbus. I personally have tried all the toilets in the building, with Level 4 being my fave. True story.

1st Floor – Julie the Sentry Nazi. It’s Germany vs Poland 1939 all over again! I’ll leave this one for you to figure out.

2nd Floor – A mischievous mythical creature roam these halls. Be on your guard whenever you’re sent down here as you might randomly meet the dreaded Lochmonster! It preys on the unsuspectingly innocent, playing pranks, generating insights, throws the word “propensity” around a bit, and generally causes trouble. A pain in the ass and also bites. Ouch. =P

4th Floor – Amid the dull wallpaper and the dingy cobwebs dwell the Finance people. If you hear the cackling and the boiling cauldron, then you’re already too close and too late. You have been warned!

Other points of interest, are round the back. If you’re lucky, you might also see the head honcho, Russell and some accounting trolls (Payroll).

5th Floor – Don’t really know anybody here, but they’ve got a nice sound proof break out room with satellite TV. Also, the only floor in the building that has machines that dispense baked beans and tuna tins.

6th Floor – The top of the mountain with perfect vantage points across all bearings.

The only floor that lets you access the balcony where many a people have jumped off from frustration.

Tip 11 : Breaking the space-time continuum.

Years (or months) from now, I want you to give yourself a good look in the mirror. Do you remember the first photo they took for your employee card? Compare that image to your reflection and note the differences. What do you see?

Do you see an old man who looks like he went through 2 world wars, 3 tours in Afghanistan, was made to squat in a shallow pool of water and tortured with electric shock? Do you see a woman with big hips, who looks like she gave birth to two sets of triplets a couple of years in a row as well as having a bad Indian curry the night before?

If yes, then let me extend my congratulations once more! It looks like you’ve broken the laws of physics and travelled well ahead in the future. That’s what we call the Vodadrone Effect.

In my case, the calendar says I only did 3 years but it actually took a toll of 10 physically and mentally. All the stringy white hair, those wrinkles that looks like the Sahara’s sand dunes, crow’s feet, freckles, memory loss, flabby forearms, and arthritis are all visible symptoms, not to mention all the cynicism that’s clung to your back like a jungle monkey in heat.



So that’s it. This is just a scratch on the surface and there’s still a lot of things to uncover as well as dirty laundry to air. But I’ll leave that for you to discover. What’s the fun with spoilers??? Vader is Luke’s father! Dumbledore dies! Neo is the one! Bruce Willis is actually one of the dead people! I didn’t give away too much did I?

So good luck on your journey and your tenure with the company. Your team can be quirky but it is, after all, what makes them unique. Have fun!!!

Signing off.

New Addition

Select

Al1.Baby

From

Kate Al1, Jared Al2

Where

Al1.Id=Al2.Id

And Name='Ryan Sidney Smeath'

And Weight='6lb9oz'

And Status='All Good'

And Date='10/12/09 23:00'

Just the sort of sms you'd get from Jared announcing the arrival weetle Ryan. No pictures yet, so... I guess we can leave our criticisms for later?

Nowadays, I'm wary with names not being gender specific so I gave him a ring and confirmed that it really is a boy.

Me : "Are you sure it's a boy"
Jared : "It's definitely a boy! and he's really blessed I tell yous! Look at that huge and long pen***.
Me : "I wonder where he got it from" I was thinking.
Jared : "Uh oh. Wait a second!" he says in a panicked voice. "The midwife's got her scissor's out and she's about to cut it away!"

"Noooooooooo!!" as I heard Jared's hysterical scream coupled with a large crash in the background.

Me : "That's the umbilical cord they're cutting isn't it?"
Jared : "Noooooooo!!! Let my boy live the dream!!! Let him live the moment!!!

Jetsetter finally settles down

Michelle, who got married last year has finally announced that she's expecting a little bundle to add to the family.

After a failed solo singing career in the 80's, Michelle tried her hand in managing drag pop punk bands. She helped manage the sensation "Warehouse" which went on to sell several platinum albums. She was soon replaced by Jane when she decided to elope with her then boyfriend Guy Richard to Nepal under very mysterious circumstances. It was learned thereafter that they were wed by the Dalai Llama under his private temple.

"Like all expecting mothers, me and my husband Richard would want to celebrate this occasion in peace." She mentioned as she spoke to this reporter. "I wish the media would help us by f*** leaving us alone!"

Her obstetrician has informed her that everything's well and see no complications on the interim.

Whether if it's a boy or a girl she replied : "Healthy. As long as it's healthy. I don't really care if it has a pipi or not!"

She's 20 weeks through and expecting her child on November 19.

And with her feelings about her frustrating attempts at adoption : "That Malawi representative can certainly kiss my ass now!"

And in other news. Tony "The TC" Jang, half of the famed AC DC duo and acclaimed guitar spritualist, is rumoured to be in talks of splitting with his band. The long haired rockstar recently showed his displeasure by punching their lead vocal, Brett, during a live concert over a disagreement on what lyrics to use.

"I repeatedly told Brett that the song would have to come from the depths of the soul! So why the fu*** did he say unicorns and rainbows?!?" TC says with a heated passion.

Brett response was of a similar tone. "I don't see the band working anymore after my nose being broken by a lead guitarist. He's a real jackass!! I'm not going to stay with no jackasses!"

It's a surprise for the industry after just releasing their heavy metal platinum "Orcas on the Beach" which rocked the chart at a solid 6 weeks before being toppled by a replay of the deceased Michael Jackson's revival "Billie Jean"

"Either I go solo or find another band again." Said TC agitated during the course of the interview. "I don't know how long my parents can keep me in their basement without a paying job."

Freeze!

Jared : Heya officer, is there anything wrong?

Police Officer : We got a complaint of an aggravated robbery and assault perpetrated by a maori man that completely fits your description. Short and stocky. Male. Big lips, big nose. Wearing a gray hoodie. Even your rugby shoes fit the description. Looks unused... very clean and sanitised to me.

Jared : You must be mistaken officer. I'm sure that wasn't me!

PO : Okay, so you say. Where were you on the night of the 29th of March?!!

Jared : I'm sure I was with somebody. Just a second.... yeah, it was my honeymoon that day!

PO : You won't believe how many times we hear that alibi! Now stop lying and fess up!!

Jared : Wait! I could prove it!! My wife, Kate, is pregnant right now and she's due exactly on Dec 29. That's exactly nine months!

PO : Are you telling me that you conceived exactly on the day of the wedding!?!

Jared : I think that's what happened officer!!

PO : And Kate can verify that she was with you on that very night?

Jared : Yes sir!

PO : So this baby got conceived exactly on the 29th? not on the 27th, not on the 30th? How about the 31st? I just find it too coincidental for that to happen. You sure you never touched her before that day?

Jared : As my hangi's my witness sir. I'm sure.

PO : I really find that hard to believe seeing that you were called "Jared the Manwhore" according to your previous police records. It says here that you even kept files of your whoring attempts... in Excel!

Jared : Uhhhhhhhh, not even ah!

PO : I'm opening it now from your evidence file... this is shocking!! Look at all these names. Is this your blackbook? 65,536 rows in total!?!? Tsk tsk. Wait a minute... there's even a 2nd tab! Why scum like you disgust me!

Jared : But I, I just wanted to know how many cells Excel can take. They're not true officer. I just made them up! Please believe me!!!

PO : Same way you made up what happened on the 29th eh? I may have to take you down to the precinct for some thorough questioning. Now spread your legs while I frisk you for... weapons.

"I have a couple of daughters. Crims who score women like that ought to be shot." the Police Officer says as he cuffs Jared and leads him to his patrol car.

*I leave the rest to your imagination. Congrats Jared and Kate.

Down at the racetrack

You know it's a bad sign when your work colleagues start betting who of the late starters will arrive for work.

Okay, so I'm not an early bird type of person, but that doesn’t mean that your colleagues should be exchanging cash for your performance as a prized stallion. It really It sounded like we we're part of a horse derby.

I suggested, sarcastically of course, that maybe we should get our nicknames straightened out to officiate the betting process. e.g. Andrew should be called "Curly Blond" or "Goldilocks", but that idea quickly was shot down by Jared's smart-a** remark.

"Then maybe your nickname should be 'she-male' Chris?!?" making an inference to my long, beatiful and silky black hair.

The bastard. I knew I brought that upon myself.

"Are you sure you still want to go by nicknames?" Alex chimed in.

I quickly turned back to my screen, red faced while hearing Vicky laughing in the background. Maybe if I stay quiet and immobile for long, I'd blend in to my surroundings and become invisible - just like a cuttlefish.

Anyway, I took the high road instead and silently grumbled "wait 'til you see what this she-male can shove up you’re fat a**".

Now that's out of the way, It kinda made me think what horsenames we'd get if we we all played the part:

Nelle - Phar Laugh
Andrew - Goldylocks
Muhhanad - Conspiracy Theory
Vicky - Lolly Monster
Peter G - Irish Nose Best
Chantal - Shanghaiperion
Margaret - Ms Talkative
Jared - Politically Incorrect or Racially Insensitive
Claire - Half Time
Alex - Nazi Manager Sweet Tooth

Taxi Adventures - Part 2

[Make sure you read the first part]

"Don't ever, ever put me in a cab with that driver again!" was what the rep on the other end of the line got told.

"In fact, I'd like to speak to somebody in charge." Jared said just to take this thing further.

"Yes sir, what can I possibly help you with?" Said the manager as he got transferred.

"I didn't like the way the last driver treated me on my way here!" Jared said with annoyance. With that, he whipped out his pda, opened his mini spreadsheet and basically outlined the reasons why he didn't like the driver.

* Wasn't very friendly.
* Was arrogant.
* Didn't like the fact that I was only a couple of minutes late.
* Didn't like my flabby body.
* Didn't like the way I was moving my man boobies.

What can the manager do but apologise, right? Then again, Jared was in his right to do so. He rarely complains except when people really gets on his nerves.

"Well just make sure you tell your employee. Right?" with as much authority as possible.

"Very well sir." said the manager professionally.

"By the way, can I make another cab booking in 5 minutes please? Thanks." He postulated.

After a couple of minutes, Jared quickly hopped on the back seat of the taxi which promptly came.

"I'm going up to Symonds St. please" he said as he buckled his seat belt.

After a couple of minutes driving, it started to dawn on him that this cab looked very, very familiar. Even the magazines that were strewn on the seat pressed on at the back of his mind.

It suddenly dawned upon him, as he looked at the driver, that it was the exact same cabbie that he had the argument with earlier. (I sh*t you not as this apparently happened.)

"Oh, motherf*!, of all the taxis why would I get this one?" he silently told himself. "And after what I told them on the phone? Sheez!."

Jared decided not inflame situation, as you'd never want to aggravate the person driving you around.

All of a sudden, the cabbie's mobile alert system gave off a distinct noise and message indicating that he cancel his current pickup.

The driver at this point really didn't realise who he picked up and was bewildered why the cancellation would take place when he's already got the fare on his back seat.

After a long pause, Jared finally said something. "Oh, I know why they're cancelling that." he said a matter-of- factly. "It's because I called in a couple of minutes ago and told them about how I was unhappy with your service earlier."

The driver suddenly went ballistic. With his mouth foaming, he grabbed the wheel with his two huge hands, leaned forward as close to the steering wheel as possible ala Collin Mcrae mode.

Now this was a cab driver you definitely wouldn't get on the back seat off - even if you were drunk, passed out, or badly had to go to use the toilet. He literally slammed on the gas as he weaved through the busy streets of Auckland like a crazed maniac on steroids.

Jared was holding on for dear life... screaming like a girl. It sounded like it was a cross between a wild boar getting slaughtered and Michael Jackson's high pitched cry should you kick him in the nuts. It's also the same sort of dinosaur sound that Tracy would make if you poked her with a very sharp stick.*

*Disclaimer : The last couple of paragraphs may or may not have happened.

But in reality, what really happened during that ride back was a long awkward silence.

Taxi Adventures

With the entire team kicked out relocating, everybody had to cope with some sort of adjustment added to their daily ritual.

Part of that adjustment's calling company sanctioned cabs to shuttle you back to the mothership. Which happens every ever so oftehn whenever you're asked to deal with the more important company people who demands your attention.

It wasn't long before 'incidents' started to happen. And like most incidents, Jared was the most likely person this would've happened to.

We sit on the 10th floor, which wasn't bad, as it gave us spectacular views of the locale. (When I say views, I meant being surrounded by towering dorm slash aparments meant to house those sleep-deprived-inebriated university students crammed into every inch of space available. The corpses resting in the underground catacombs of Paris fared much better, I say.)

I guess it all started when I noticed Jared pacing back and forth like a crazed bull from the window aisle he was conveniently 'given'. He kept peering over waiting for something which I learned later on to be a taxi cab he booked earlier. He finally went off and it wasn't after a couple of hours before we came back and heard what happened.

"Grrrrr. Those taxis are really a pain in the behind." He announced to the entire team. "I hop on my taxi and guess what happened?"

"I get this pissed off driver" he continued "who suddenly went on and on about how late I was!"

"You were supposed to be here 7 minutes ago!" The cabbie said as Jared continued his story.

He didn't know if the guy was serious or just making a passing rant. So he shrugged it off and just hopped in.

"I did look out for you." Jared says as he was putting his seatbelt on "It's just that you were parked from way beyond the road where I can't see you."

"You did not even say sorry that you were late." Seemingly oblivious to Jared's apologetic tone.

"Okay. Okay I'm sorry I didn't see you." Which was surprising as I've never heard Jared apologise.

Taxi guy says "It's too late for that now."

And that's apparently the part where you could see the steam shooting off Jared's ears (perhaps a side effect of hangi?)

"You 'people' cost be about 25 minutes a week just waiting for you after an agreed time." cab guy answers irritably.

That was probably the stick that broke the camels back as Jared decided to match his wits with the driver... which probably didn't amount to much considering the lack of brain matter on one of the participants.

Exhibit A :


But I had no doubt that Jared still managed to hold his own against this guy. He certainly can do anything with the right motivation. e.g. eat a entire horse without blinking. The vicious exchange apparently went on for the entire duration of the ride. I wish I was present just typing the transcript of the conversation.

It would have ended there but... [Stay tuned to Taxi Adventures 2]

What's for lunch?

I forgot when the last time i had lunch was, since I stopped working with you lot. What's for lunch?

Jared on Tour

Jared, who recently came back from a Queenstown trip, was ecstatic.

"We went on a jet boat, went on bus tours, jumped on a quad bike, jet boat, luge, etc. etc." He droned on as he mentioned, in detail, the awesome time he had in the south's peremiere holiday spot.

I thought about what I was doing when he went away. I believe I was checking the Herald regularly to see if the town he went to had any sort of bungy jumping accidents.

"Uhm Sir, are you sure this cable would be enough to hold my weight?"

"Yesireee, that's for certain. Even if an African Elephant were to jump, I'm purty certain our cable would still be able to hold."

"Are you saying I'm fat?!?!"

"Oh no, not at all, Sir." The proprietor said defensively. "Am just sayin' that this cable right o'er 'ere is capable of pulling a medium sized Beluga whale off the beach."

(I'll leave the rest of this violent and blubberous scene to your imagination.)

Anyway, let's move on to the part of the trip where they hopped on a bus and went on to see the scenery.

The bus driver, who happened to be the tour guide was rattling on about how the locals were a funny bit of people. He mentioned that its part of their culture picking fights with everybody just because it's fun. How awkward, coz for those who don't know, Jared, is a local - obviously not apparent to the bus driver as he just blabbed on about them 'natives'.

Then again, why would a local take a tour of his own country anyway? Is it possible that he's looking for more land to reclaim?

Anyhows, the bus driver was just having a great time pointing out the culture and the diversity - oblivious that one of his passengers was seething, ready to pop. This soon got aggravated by the events at the next stop, where he found that another cheeky tourist seemingly flicked their bags aside and somewhat settled himself rather cosily on their seats.

"What are you doing in our seat?" "

Seats ain't fixed." The man says with an Aussie twang. "and blimey!, lots of them tourists have moved around 'lready."

Which obviously wasn’t the case when Jared asked around.

"Grrrr..." Jared thought (or whatever sound he makes when he's mad) "This guy is pissing me off."

"Sir" he said with as much restraint as possible. "I see that your seat is still vacant and that all the people havent moved from where they were sitting before. Can I please ask you to move?"

The guy says "No, I won't move."

"I'm asking again, would you kindly move out of our seats?"

"No, no, no!" "This will be the last time I'm going to ask you. You heard what the tour guide said about those funny indigenous people who just picks fights for fun? You're looking at one right now."

Like my previous post from months before, Jared starts the Maori ritual of starting a fight. He sticks his tongue out, puffing his eyes, as he vigorously uses his right hand in a wave like motion for intimidation. The tourists just went wild, with everybody chanting, "Kill! Kill! Kill!".

The driver panics and runs off, knowing full well what to expect from these natives.

It was mayhem, as Jared did some of his muscle flexing. I can't tell you if the tourists were experiencing some horrible pain seeing him do that, or if they were wanting a fight to break out.

After a couple of odd minutes strutting his stuff, Jared plunges his hand straight to the kangaroo man's chest and pulls his throbbing heart out.

The man's screams were drowned by an elderly couple from Bosnia shouting, "Eat the Heart! eat the Heart, eat the Hearrrrrrrttttt" which Jared obligingly does.

The guy finally realised that it's one of the battles he can't win and takes off making incomprehensible disgruntled noises. The guy never moved from his seat again.

How's that for a tour?

Changes

[Edit : Look at how behind I am! I was supposed to post this at the beginning of the year but just got around to. I'm halfway trying to complete my manager's annual survey, and thought that I might just need a break and finally post this.]

January 2008. The first 'official' work day of the year.

Those who showed up looked fresh and relaxed from their long holiday break. I see Tracy, Zoey, Jared, Andrew on our side of the pod. All bright eyed, bushy tailed etc etc - seemingly looking busy, tapping away at their keyboards. Don't you love it when you see everybody like this?

Not unlike the zombies I used to mingle with last year. No red eyes, no moaning and groaning, no sharp teeth and no biting. Doesn't it create a pleasant atmosphere where, when you wake up in the morning, all you want to do is work, work, work?!*

*I threw up soon after I finished this sentence.

So I plop down on my seat, login and look at some of the empty desks around me. Tsk tsk. Awfully quiet. Zoey hardly speaks to me, Rwanda, our low flying airplane, has gone maternal, and Tracy, Tracy Tracy. Tracy never talks to us except when she wants something.

It always starts with "Hey.... (insert a real lonnnng pause here - which I suspect is the time it takes for her to remember our names.)

"...what do you know about (insert topic here)?" She continues.

I find this really annoying as I've already been caught turning my head too many times after she says "Hey", only to find out that she's after Zoey who sits right beside me. I think she does it on purpose, as she always cups her hand to her mouth to suppress her evil laugh (and big teeth).

Anyway, back to me, as I glance around the mostly empty desks. There were some changes indeed. I shake my head at Rwanda's desk as it looks more and more like inorganic day. I already notice some spiders building webs on her screen and a couple of squirrels hanging about chitchatting about this seasons chestnut harvest. Tsk Tsk.

I personally use her chair as a coat hanger now, which is just about the right size. Will definitely come in handy during winter where you could hang a couple of coats side by side. I find that I'm just too lazy walking down to where the real coat hanger is (which I'll be calling George). Also, before you get to George there's this danger of venturing near the T-Rex dinosaur paddocks as well - better be safe than to get bitten.

By about mid-morning Cesar comes down from the 4th floor and takes out some some treats from Peru. How really nice of him sharing pretty exotic goodies from his holiday.

"Lucuma is what we call them." Cesar mentions as I carefully inspect the pastry. "It only grows natively in Peru high atop the ancient pyramids of the Mayas where the virgins hearts are cut out in honor of the Sun God Saludos."** Interesting, I though as I bit into my first piece. Hmmm. Tastes pretty good actually. It's not strong as you barely taste the fruity flavor between the wafers it was enclosed in, but yummy nevertheless. Cesar also brought in some marshmallowy-puffy-thingies which probably came from the local dairy.

**This may or may not be true.

By midday, we decided to celebrate our first yearly lunch be going down to the local cafe. It's always good to start off with where your roots are, so this was the natural choice.

Expecting changes, I thought that they'd have more things on the menu, but pretty much the same old thing on offer from last year. Even Tracy's pick stayed the same - she got the same fave from last year (buttered fig muffins and scones)

The tuna pide (a type of bread - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PIDE) looked tasty which I decided to have. but tasted worse off than before, I mean, where did the caramelised onions go? Why'd it take longer to toast my sandwich? So that's where the changes happened, I thought.

Our conversations weren't that different from before though. "So what did you do for the break?", "Did you go anywhere?", "What are you going to do on Friday?" Blah blah blah.

"I did some squats last night and gave my ass muscles a workout" Jared abruptly says.

I nearly spat out the tuna I was chewing on.

"I know, I know" he added. "Too much info." (But something he surprisingly squeezed in the conversation.)

I closed my eyes and tried to get that horrible hairy image out of my head. Not that I've seen it personally! I'm no expert but I watch a lot of documentaries including Gorillas in the Mist. So I kid you not when I say that I have a pretty good idea on the number of indeterminate hair on their lower backs.

Tracy, as perceptive as ever, states the obvious over my sudden discomfort over the subject.

"You can't get the image off your mind, huh?"

I gave her a frown and thought, "No, unlike you Tracy, I haven't been desensitised at home."

It's obvious that our lunch conversations haven't evolved. They still retains the down, dirty and crude interpretations of opinions. There are missing gaps however. As people leave, they take along some of the expresiveness that you've grown fond of. e.g. one less person doing the eye rolling.

Which led me to ponder what this year's plot would bring about. More of the same? Or more twists than this season's episode of Lost?

Refill

"You're what?"

"I'm expecting!" Chantal says excitedly.

"You're pregnant?!?" I say in disbelief. "How did this happen??"

"..." Chantal was just speechless that I asked that question.

"Okay, sorry, that was my english gone wrong. I mean, I didn't ask how you did it but..."

Chantal was more embarassed than ever and had that look of a person about to give someone a good beating.

"... tell me what happened?"

(Of course I know what exactly happened! I seem to be on a streak of asking these stupid questions. It must be the coffee I had this morning.)

Chantal was obviously displeased with my questions and was about to run away.

"Okay, sorry, sorry but seriously, when are you due?"

"October"

Learning from my indescretion earlier, I thought carefully before I opened my mouth.

"So you did it on the boat huh?"

I got a slap for that one. Stars appeared but was pleased that I was still shakily holding my can of coke. She grabs her cup sitting on her desk and huffingly heads over to the kitchen.

"Wait! Wait! At least tell me if you did it on the lower decks or the suite? I'd be able to tell you if it's a girl or a boy!!!"

I hope she doesn't go back throws her re-rilled cup to my face.

Said Chris

Lo-o-o-nely, I'm so lo-o-o-nely....
I have nobody,
To call my owwnnn
I'm so lonely, I'm Mr Lonely
I have nobody,
To call my owwnnn

Most girls have packed their tiny suitcases and left. It all started when Chris has moved into the pod and would not share McMuffins. So the friendship ideals crashed and we decided to split and go our separate ways.

First left Trace (albeit temporarily), then Jenita, then Margaret, then Debbie (unknowingly also temporarily), then Jane, then I left (also temporarily), then Trace left again (Flying Spaghetti Monster knows for how long this time), and i have a suspicion Debs would soon leave again (and will never come back). I guess we could also say Tony left, as he's got long hair and does look like a girl from behind.

Chantal - your turn...

Christ will be very lo-o-o-nely in his pod yet again.

Tracy writes

"I was meaning to write on the blog." Tracy says.

"You said that two weeks ago." I replied.

"Actually, I think I said that last year."

Coaxing her to write on the blog is becoming more like showing clams to play fetch. I wouldn't have been persisted if we didn't have this writer's strike going on. But desperate times do stimulate creative stories. I ruffle through my backpack and put my purple pretend cap on.

What if.... Dum dum dum! [Drum roll].

What if... Tracy did write on the blog.

[Cue dreamy sound effect transition here...]

Chris told me I looked different today when we were walking down to the lunch bar.

"Did you swap clothes from this morning?" He says.

"I actually got a haircut!" I proudly say.

"No wonder you look so different."

Well duh! Chris really doesn't have a clue, he still looks perplexed and stares at me like a deer waiting for an incoming car. I waved my hands like a penguin to get him back to reality. Last thing I want to happen is him veering off (which happens often) and crashing with tangle of hair. Messy. I've never even dreamed of picking clumps of hair in the highway. Now I know how it feels like to be the person waxing Jared. Ewwwww.

Anyway, "Why doesn't everybody notice?" I thought. To think that I could smell freshly cut hair a mile away. In fact, I smell it even further when I wear my high heels. Although, my sense of smell doesn't work that well when I wear my boots. I wonder why?

Which reminds me not to wear those red Manolo Blanoc high heels again. They really left some really ugly scars. Poor Chris, he should have known better not to feed Lucas some chocolate.

I grab my favourite pen and started to write that thought down on my handy notepad. "Hmmmm. I wish I had bigger hands. I just keep filling mine up."

We finally got to the bakery and was quite annoyed with the long queue. Arggggh. I hate waiting. If I wasn't wearing my summer dress I would've elbowed my way to the front.
Summer dress is equal to lady-like. Which I am. Those high heels would've come in handy.

I should have brought lunch but Tim's been eating all the bread at home. "Grrrrr." I thought as I write another reminder to buy a lock and key.

I grab my usual chicken sandwich and annoy Chris by grabbing the serviettes first, just as he was about to reach for them. "Har har har." I chuckle as he puts on his frowny face. I'm soooo evil sometimes.

We met Jared whom we left chatting with his friend from his previous work. Chris makes a comment about him looking similar to Jared. I play nice and quietly laugh instead.

3 Minutes was how long it took to finish my lunch. "I'm not trying to be rude guys." I say as I excused myself out of the table. "It's just that I've got so much stuff to do, and... you know?" I'm actually just over these guys. All Jared talks about is sports, his bum and his big arms. Chris can't seem to finish his gardening. Blah blah blah. I think I'll just hang around with Zoey and annoy her with my stories.

"Hey!.... Zoey!!!"

[Cue another dreamy sound effecct transition here. Fade out.]

Her blog.

What if... Rayana was sooo bored that she actually started blogging?

08:30 – Alarm rings but I whack it with a broom and go back to sleep.

09:30 – I finally drag myself out of bed and suddenly have this urge to bake some raspberry muffins.

09:32 – I check my email before I go to the bathroom. Hrmmmph (or whatever a pregnant lady sounds). No new mail.

10:01 – Baby kicked.

10:20 – With the muffins finally in the oven. My husband, Will, tries to amuse me with juggling to ease me out of my lethargic state.

11:31 – Un-amused, I hit Will with my broom.

11:32 – I check my email and visit reddit.com

12:25 – After waiting an eternity for my muffins to cool down, I gorge myself and stuff as many in my mouth as I can.

12:25:30 – I choke on a raspberry.

12:27 – I suddenly realize I have another mouth to feed and grab 2 more muffins .

12:33- Will trots in the kitchen and asks "where the m muffins at?"

12:34 – I check my email. And check the bafl blog. Why doesn’t anybody write anymore???

15:35 – Tummy rumbles and suddenly have another big craving for pasta.

15:40 – I prepare the ingredients.

15:41 – I check my email and write a quick note. Checked bafl again just in case. Damn! No postings!

16:20 – Pasta-filled, I waddle down to the sofa and lie down.

16:21 – Baby rolls. I ignore it and take a nap. Baby kicks me again telling me to re-position.

17:30- Watch TV

17:40 – Decided to have my midnight snack early

18:00 – Watch more TV. Where the f$#%$#^# is House!

18:30 – Bored again. I grab a book and start reading.

18:42 – I prepare supper. This time baked some potatoes and other veggies. Heavenly!

19:38 – I “tell” Will to do the dishes. He makes a face but it’s nothing a broom can fix.

20:20 – I don’t think I had dessert. I waddle down this time to the fridge to get some ice cream. Whew! Tough job!

21:00 – Received an email. Apparently Engr. Usman Malika wants my assistance on a confidential but a mutually beneficial transaction. He’s from Nigeria.

21:32 – Finished a couple of chapters off my book.

22:32 – Feel sleepy.

22:33 – Washed up, changed and went to bed.

22:39 – I cursed and realized that I forgot my broom downstairs. I tried for a few minutes to get up.

22:42 – I gave up and went to sleep.

02:00 – Dreamt of flying muffins.