Jared on Tour

Jared, who recently came back from a Queenstown trip, was ecstatic.

"We went on a jet boat, went on bus tours, jumped on a quad bike, jet boat, luge, etc. etc." He droned on as he mentioned, in detail, the awesome time he had in the south's peremiere holiday spot.

I thought about what I was doing when he went away. I believe I was checking the Herald regularly to see if the town he went to had any sort of bungy jumping accidents.

"Uhm Sir, are you sure this cable would be enough to hold my weight?"

"Yesireee, that's for certain. Even if an African Elephant were to jump, I'm purty certain our cable would still be able to hold."

"Are you saying I'm fat?!?!"

"Oh no, not at all, Sir." The proprietor said defensively. "Am just sayin' that this cable right o'er 'ere is capable of pulling a medium sized Beluga whale off the beach."

(I'll leave the rest of this violent and blubberous scene to your imagination.)

Anyway, let's move on to the part of the trip where they hopped on a bus and went on to see the scenery.

The bus driver, who happened to be the tour guide was rattling on about how the locals were a funny bit of people. He mentioned that its part of their culture picking fights with everybody just because it's fun. How awkward, coz for those who don't know, Jared, is a local - obviously not apparent to the bus driver as he just blabbed on about them 'natives'.

Then again, why would a local take a tour of his own country anyway? Is it possible that he's looking for more land to reclaim?

Anyhows, the bus driver was just having a great time pointing out the culture and the diversity - oblivious that one of his passengers was seething, ready to pop. This soon got aggravated by the events at the next stop, where he found that another cheeky tourist seemingly flicked their bags aside and somewhat settled himself rather cosily on their seats.

"What are you doing in our seat?" "

Seats ain't fixed." The man says with an Aussie twang. "and blimey!, lots of them tourists have moved around 'lready."

Which obviously wasn’t the case when Jared asked around.

"Grrrr..." Jared thought (or whatever sound he makes when he's mad) "This guy is pissing me off."

"Sir" he said with as much restraint as possible. "I see that your seat is still vacant and that all the people havent moved from where they were sitting before. Can I please ask you to move?"

The guy says "No, I won't move."

"I'm asking again, would you kindly move out of our seats?"

"No, no, no!" "This will be the last time I'm going to ask you. You heard what the tour guide said about those funny indigenous people who just picks fights for fun? You're looking at one right now."

Like my previous post from months before, Jared starts the Maori ritual of starting a fight. He sticks his tongue out, puffing his eyes, as he vigorously uses his right hand in a wave like motion for intimidation. The tourists just went wild, with everybody chanting, "Kill! Kill! Kill!".

The driver panics and runs off, knowing full well what to expect from these natives.

It was mayhem, as Jared did some of his muscle flexing. I can't tell you if the tourists were experiencing some horrible pain seeing him do that, or if they were wanting a fight to break out.

After a couple of odd minutes strutting his stuff, Jared plunges his hand straight to the kangaroo man's chest and pulls his throbbing heart out.

The man's screams were drowned by an elderly couple from Bosnia shouting, "Eat the Heart! eat the Heart, eat the Hearrrrrrrttttt" which Jared obligingly does.

The guy finally realised that it's one of the battles he can't win and takes off making incomprehensible disgruntled noises. The guy never moved from his seat again.

How's that for a tour?