Jetsetter finally settles down

Michelle, who got married last year has finally announced that she's expecting a little bundle to add to the family.

After a failed solo singing career in the 80's, Michelle tried her hand in managing drag pop punk bands. She helped manage the sensation "Warehouse" which went on to sell several platinum albums. She was soon replaced by Jane when she decided to elope with her then boyfriend Guy Richard to Nepal under very mysterious circumstances. It was learned thereafter that they were wed by the Dalai Llama under his private temple.

"Like all expecting mothers, me and my husband Richard would want to celebrate this occasion in peace." She mentioned as she spoke to this reporter. "I wish the media would help us by f*** leaving us alone!"

Her obstetrician has informed her that everything's well and see no complications on the interim.

Whether if it's a boy or a girl she replied : "Healthy. As long as it's healthy. I don't really care if it has a pipi or not!"

She's 20 weeks through and expecting her child on November 19.

And with her feelings about her frustrating attempts at adoption : "That Malawi representative can certainly kiss my ass now!"

And in other news. Tony "The TC" Jang, half of the famed AC DC duo and acclaimed guitar spritualist, is rumoured to be in talks of splitting with his band. The long haired rockstar recently showed his displeasure by punching their lead vocal, Brett, during a live concert over a disagreement on what lyrics to use.

"I repeatedly told Brett that the song would have to come from the depths of the soul! So why the fu*** did he say unicorns and rainbows?!?" TC says with a heated passion.

Brett response was of a similar tone. "I don't see the band working anymore after my nose being broken by a lead guitarist. He's a real jackass!! I'm not going to stay with no jackasses!"

It's a surprise for the industry after just releasing their heavy metal platinum "Orcas on the Beach" which rocked the chart at a solid 6 weeks before being toppled by a replay of the deceased Michael Jackson's revival "Billie Jean"

"Either I go solo or find another band again." Said TC agitated during the course of the interview. "I don't know how long my parents can keep me in their basement without a paying job."

Freeze!

Jared : Heya officer, is there anything wrong?

Police Officer : We got a complaint of an aggravated robbery and assault perpetrated by a maori man that completely fits your description. Short and stocky. Male. Big lips, big nose. Wearing a gray hoodie. Even your rugby shoes fit the description. Looks unused... very clean and sanitised to me.

Jared : You must be mistaken officer. I'm sure that wasn't me!

PO : Okay, so you say. Where were you on the night of the 29th of March?!!

Jared : I'm sure I was with somebody. Just a second.... yeah, it was my honeymoon that day!

PO : You won't believe how many times we hear that alibi! Now stop lying and fess up!!

Jared : Wait! I could prove it!! My wife, Kate, is pregnant right now and she's due exactly on Dec 29. That's exactly nine months!

PO : Are you telling me that you conceived exactly on the day of the wedding!?!

Jared : I think that's what happened officer!!

PO : And Kate can verify that she was with you on that very night?

Jared : Yes sir!

PO : So this baby got conceived exactly on the 29th? not on the 27th, not on the 30th? How about the 31st? I just find it too coincidental for that to happen. You sure you never touched her before that day?

Jared : As my hangi's my witness sir. I'm sure.

PO : I really find that hard to believe seeing that you were called "Jared the Manwhore" according to your previous police records. It says here that you even kept files of your whoring attempts... in Excel!

Jared : Uhhhhhhhh, not even ah!

PO : I'm opening it now from your evidence file... this is shocking!! Look at all these names. Is this your blackbook? 65,536 rows in total!?!? Tsk tsk. Wait a minute... there's even a 2nd tab! Why scum like you disgust me!

Jared : But I, I just wanted to know how many cells Excel can take. They're not true officer. I just made them up! Please believe me!!!

PO : Same way you made up what happened on the 29th eh? I may have to take you down to the precinct for some thorough questioning. Now spread your legs while I frisk you for... weapons.

"I have a couple of daughters. Crims who score women like that ought to be shot." the Police Officer says as he cuffs Jared and leads him to his patrol car.

*I leave the rest to your imagination. Congrats Jared and Kate.

Down at the racetrack

You know it's a bad sign when your work colleagues start betting who of the late starters will arrive for work.

Okay, so I'm not an early bird type of person, but that doesn’t mean that your colleagues should be exchanging cash for your performance as a prized stallion. It really It sounded like we we're part of a horse derby.

I suggested, sarcastically of course, that maybe we should get our nicknames straightened out to officiate the betting process. e.g. Andrew should be called "Curly Blond" or "Goldilocks", but that idea quickly was shot down by Jared's smart-a** remark.

"Then maybe your nickname should be 'she-male' Chris?!?" making an inference to my long, beatiful and silky black hair.

The bastard. I knew I brought that upon myself.

"Are you sure you still want to go by nicknames?" Alex chimed in.

I quickly turned back to my screen, red faced while hearing Vicky laughing in the background. Maybe if I stay quiet and immobile for long, I'd blend in to my surroundings and become invisible - just like a cuttlefish.

Anyway, I took the high road instead and silently grumbled "wait 'til you see what this she-male can shove up you’re fat a**".

Now that's out of the way, It kinda made me think what horsenames we'd get if we we all played the part:

Nelle - Phar Laugh
Andrew - Goldylocks
Muhhanad - Conspiracy Theory
Vicky - Lolly Monster
Peter G - Irish Nose Best
Chantal - Shanghaiperion
Margaret - Ms Talkative
Jared - Politically Incorrect or Racially Insensitive
Claire - Half Time
Alex - Nazi Manager Sweet Tooth