If you're reading this, then it means you've passed the Company’s rigorous screening and interview process. The system was designed to flawlessly keep out the chaff and filter the best and the most promising among the applicants.
So again, Congratulations! You are now well on your way to committing a portion of your life to the healthy rigors of the corporate lifestyle.
Now that you're a full fledged Vodadrone, it's time for you to learn more about what you’ve gotten yourself into.
But first, the checklist:
Name Badge and Photo ID. Check. Access Card. Check. Pencil and pad. Check. A PC. Check. Mobile phone. Check. Earphones. Check. (trust me, you’ll need that last one.) Smile on your face is optional. Sarcasm is mandatory.
Now that part’s done, it’s time I gave you some tips on how to effectively get along the team you’re going to work with. Depending on how long you’ll last, they’ll be the people that you’ll get to see a lot of, possibly more than your family.
Side by side, through thick and thin, for better and worse. It’s like getting married all over again.. to a bunch of people even. It's definitely no picnic*
*According to Muhannad anyway.
Tip #1 : Learn to Say No
Have you ever been to boot camp before? If not, it’s usually just about surviving and living on your own means if you ever get stuck out in the wild. E.g. Scrounging for food or wild animal encounters.
Your first couple of days would be quite similar. Unfortunately, this is a given, one that every new recruit has to go through.
On your first day, someone or something, with bear-like girth and animal like appearance will immediately demand unreasonable amounts of food from you AND gasp!, even a portion of your foreshore!!!
Beware! Take deep breaths to keep yourself calm, try not to appear nervous, stay absolutely still and remember to stand your ground!!! Just repeatedly say “No, no, no!” and it’ll most likely waddle off and leave you unscathed.
However, when that ‘bear’ quickly starts wringing his right hand mid waist and sticking his tongue in and out, then you take that as your cue and skedaddle.
Tip #2 : Build Alliances.
The age old question comes to mind : Who do you ally with?
Since you’ve just started, it’s understandable that you won’t have a clue who to trust and for that matter, who you’d be able to get along with.
But just like books, it’s quite easy to figure out what’s inside just by looking at the cover alone. It's just like those picturesque material that you see in the book store. The "half naked man with astounding washboard abs caressing the buxom woman" pretty much tells you that it's a cheesy romance novel.
Similar case here:
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| The Good, Bad and The Ugly (In that order. Literally.) |
Tip #3. Know your Boss.Vicki "Genghis Khan" Harris. The BI General. Tank Girl Dudding.
If it was the 1200's, she'd be at the front of the pack, leading her band of barbarians, atop her rugged and magnificent steed. She’d be clad in her padded leather armor with a ridiculously large helmet of horns protruding from each side.
She’ll be charging head on, fire in her eyes, menacing face, teeth seething with anger, sword raised high, beheading opponents unlucky enough to catch her crosshairs.
Now that I’ve painted that picture, replace the horse with a big mountain bike and that’s pretty much your new boss.
She’ll be the single most important person you don’t want to piss off, not unless you want to risk getting in her way and inheriting a two inch wide tread mark across your forehead. And if you're really bad, you might even get marked with a black eye. This happened one time to an underperforming ex-employee who’ll tell you that he “got it from playing ‘touch’ rugby”. Yeah, right.
Some stats:
Kids names : Julie and Morgan
Fave Anthem : Oh Canada!
Most likely spend a holiday on : Whistler
Fave Ringtones : Faith No More's "Easy". Katy Perry's "Hot and Cold".
Goes weak in the knees for : The Shirtless Dudes in Twilight.
Preferred drink on socials : Champagne
Last known mobile device : Blackberry 8820
Tip : In the event that your name is “Chris”, try to obtain legal representation and have it changed. It didn’t bode well for me after I learned that her ex shared the same name as mine. Tsk tsk. Otherwise, you’ll just have to lay low if you don’t want any of that repressed anger coming your way.
Tip #4 : Schmooze with the Second in Command.
Alex "The Slavemaster" Moffatt. Muchos Delegatoris.
Have you ever wondered where ‘work’ comes from? Ask her.
On second thought, don’t ask or even make eye contact. She seems to have this deep-black-bottomless hole of tasks that she always has in tow. One wrong look at her and BAM!!! She dips into her skirt pocket and you get +4 tasks to last you until winter.
There were times where I was brave enough not to avert her gaze. During those moments, I could see some semblance with a certain pop tween sensation.
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| Phyla Mileya Cyrusis. Party in the B of A? |
Alex is the go to girl for EDW Rated Usage and Billing Transactions. She’s very open and doesn’t mind sharing the exciting details about her life. E.g. be friendly and ask her about car alarm dramas.
Very organised and likes doing things systematically. For instance, I've known a lot of people go to Disneyland for fun. She on the other hand actually obtained a printout detailing how she’ll approach the park’s features point by point following a minute by minute schedule. Amazing.
Rob : I really need to go to the bathroom soon Honey.
Alex : No you CANNOT! The Tea Cup ride’s just about to start in the next 30 seconds and I don’t want to miss it!!
Ensure that you don’t get on her bad side as she is, after all, the one in charge of delegating tasks around the team. For bribes, she likes her coffee first thing in the morning (flat white latte with an extra shot?).
Fave Ringtone : Some lame song played by a band called "The Pixies"
Known Weaknesses : The Lolly Jar and liquids with a considerable amount of alcohol in it.
Kids : Cougar and Pixie
In to : Yoga
Watching on TV tonight : Top Chef
In her lunch box : Uncle Ben’s Rice
Mobile device : Apple iPhone 3G (OS 4.0=big mistake)
Hot Tip : Her retention to detail is close to super human. Trivia, Food, Gossip and EDW – you name it and she could rattle it off the top of her head. In fact, think of things carefully before you say aloud. Once spoken, she’ll remember and definitely catch you if you were spinning any yarns.
Tip #5 : Utilise your analytical resources.
Survival in this role depends on how you cope with tremendous amounts of information that you’ll never get to use socially. (Have you ever started a conversation with “Hi, I’m a BA and I dabble with Data Models!”, seriously, who's going to fall for that?!?)
Instead, let these resources memorize the information and you could go about working on what’s going to be left of your social life. If you're desperate, you could try the classic : "Hi! I’m a developer and I could Extract, Transform, and Unload, if you know what I mean. *wink wink”
Resource 1. "Clairebear" “Masterchef” McKinney.
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| Seriously, was I the only one who saw the resemblance? |
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| This is an actual pic of her baking. |
Apart from her baking prowess, she’s also known for her analytical abilities, making her a great resource for the team. You ask and you’ll get an answer. Response time varies depending on how busy she is, but be assured that your question is at the back of her mind. Think of her as a mini-google-ginga-ninja that bakes. (Don’t forget to give her a hug on May 28, Ginger Awareness Day!!)
Fave Ringtone : Likes it Silent and on Vibrate.
Kids : Laura and Ethan
Fetish on : Kiddie Artwork and Scribbles
Has got the hots for : Men with deep English accents.
Ticked off by : Calling her Irish, taking photos of her.
Hot Food Tip : Try to get a spot near the BI Lounge/Sofas as that’s where the food usually lands when she bakes.
Tv show most likely to watch : Most Hottest Homebaker
Mobile Device : Nokia E61
Trivia : She was featured in a local newspaper sometime ago.
Resource 2. Nelle “LOL” Contreras. The Soccer Mom.
Definitely easy to get along and not hard to please. Her sense of humor’s so advanced that she’ll pretty much laugh at anything you throw at her. Whether it’s load delays or bad SQL she somehow manages to find the hilarity behind it.
Alex : “We have a P2 ticket raised to deal with this load issue. The Finance guys will be breathing down our necks again due to month end. Anyway, I’m sure IBM we’ll be on it specially that Hashly’s back.”
Nelle : “Harharharharharharharhar! Oh Alex, You’re soooo funny! Heeheeheeheehee!”
She’s very patient, fuelled by the fact that she’s been with the company for more than a decade. Don’t test it though, expect to get smacked in the head if you ask silly questions.
Fave Ringtones : The Calling's "Wherever You Will Go". Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me"
Known Weakness : Ding Hao's Roast Duck on Rice.
Also hates : her picture being taken.
Currently on : A crash diet so convoluted that even Einstein won’t be able to figure out.
Kids : Neena, Nelle Jr 1, and Nelle Jr 2
Movie she’d likely watch : Shrek
Dinner on a Friday is : KFC or Chinese takeaway
Mobile Device : Nokia 6121c
Try this for fun : Call her Nelly
Tip #6 : The Development Team
Developer A. Chantal "Zoey" Zhuo. The Administrator.
The perfect seatmate. If you ever have the opportunity to sit right beside this lady then by all means, take it. (That is, if you don't mind the afro.)
Her previous medical background is evident in her work. Her precise actions and attention to detail are extraordinary. Don’t mess with her! I saw her fantasize with a banana once, carefully examining the exterior before diving in to surgically peel it. I swear it's like I was in the OR watching a patient get prepped for major surgery.
She would be the most likely candidate to resuscitate you should you suffer from a report developer stroke. [not to worry, this doesn't happen often.]
Fave Ringtone : Ringgg Ringgg.
Known Weakness : Leaves in hot water.
On her playlist : Classical Music.
Karate Kid : Andrew
Current goal : Making her husband comply with his diet
Personal Latptop(s) : Dell Inspiron 15 (Apple Green) and 15R (Glossy Pink)
Mobile Device : Apple iPhone 3G (OS 3)
Trivia : Not sure if anybody knows, but she’s got a rare mutation that only one out of tens of millions have. You have to ask her to find out. Don't worry, it's not contagious.
Developer B. Jared "Buns of Steel" Smeath. The Terminator.
Probably the hardest one to read. You never know when he's serious or not. In fact, on my first day, he showed me a picture of himself so horrifying that it immediately burned an image of itself in the left hemisphere of my brain. It’s traumatic and I’m still receiving therapy for it. To this day, I’m still unsure whether he showed it to impress or deliberately scare the h#$@ out of me.
Why the nickname? It’s hearsay, but too often have I heard his shower buddies call him that. I wouldn't pry and ask why if I were you, but do ask to see his boobs dance.
So where did he get all that muscle mass from? I think its Equilibrium. The balance that nature enforces. For every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction. If there’s a predominant gain in body mass somewhere, a proportion will be taken from the least used muscle.
(hint : the brain is a muscle).
Another great developer resource. Or has the potential to be one. Remember the mini-google colleagues I mentioned earlier? He's also like a search engine but unfortunatley only gives you one search result, which is : “I don’t know.”
When you’re really lucky, you might even hear the fake and cheery voicemail thing : “You’ve reached Jared and he’s currently unavailable. Would you like to leave a message?” even though he’s standing in front of you.
Actually, I kid. He’s one of the most reliable people around. Whenever I call in sick and need a secretary, he’s always been there to turn on my “out of office” or help me send a couple of files over. Very dependable. Never calls in sick. Early to work (also early to leave.)
Kid’s name : Ryan
Fave Ringtone : Theme from The Empire Strikes Back (he seriously needs to change it.)
Food expertise : Can cook a traditional hangi and a mean bacon/egg pie.
Currently peeved at : His kid’s diaper habits. Often calls his baby boy “the pooping machine”.
Weakness : Cannot tie his own shoelaces.
Suffering from : Freakishly obsessive-compulsive cleanliness disorder. (For goodness sake!! Spraying Oust directly on to your colleagues when they're sniffling isn't what I'd consider normal.)
Likely quoting : Arnold Schwarzenegger - "Dees eez mai vik amm"
Daily diet of : Weetbix, Apples, chop chop chicken or boneless chicken breast on rye bread.
Current TV : 32” Sony Rear Projection
Mobile Device : Nokia E91
Tip #7 : Contracting Dependency
Before we proceed, have a close look at your ID Card.
Now look at the mirror.
Now look at your ID Card again. Do you see a Green or Blue ID?
Now look at the mirror again. Do you see a pale, cynical life sucker staring back at you? If yes to both of the above, then you could skip this section and proceed to #8.
Yes, The Contractors. Often called the Vampires of the industry. Lotsus Cashus.
Slowly sucking away at company resources, bleeding it dry to the point where executives wonder where the capital budget has gone resulting to budget cuts and outsourcing all services to India.
They are unstoppable and ubiquitous. Like their namesake, they have the penchant to come back to the office no matter how many times you've driven a stake to their hearts. However, their longevity makes them great assets in terms of the information they retain.
A great source of knowledge but hard to get detached to once you’re dependent. Probably what Michael Jackson felt when kids leave Neverland? Too soon?
If they do come too close, just form your fingers in a cross like pattern and slowly back away. Again, don’t look into their eyes or the fancy suits (e.g. Count Manley the Impaler) or you’ll otherwise be drawn to their seemingly irresistible charm which would most likely result in extending their contract for another year or so.
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| Vampire. Vampires. And yep, another sparkling vampire. |
Tip #8 : Overcome the language barrier
The people you’re going to work with will be as diverse as a homeless persons daily lunch.So do yourself a favour and learn a few foreign words or so. This easily gets the point across
Alex : No more tasks! – No es gebmee muchos tascos
Chantal : Can I try your lunch? – I Wana sam of ya flied lice
Jared : Please stop it with the cakes! – Kakite a cakee a-No!
McCallum : [Any swear words are fine - he's a sailor and half Irish.]
Tip #9 : The Lolly Jar
Sugar does wonders. Some people don’t get it but there’s actually a reason why I keep the lolly jar close at hand.
It’s purely psychological. Consumption of treats tend to be associated with an unhealthy lifestyle and a precursor to high risk diseases. I've noticed that when my colleagues dip their fingers into the jar do they unconsciously feel guilty about the experience and quickly disappear after indulging - pretty similar to crims who don't stick around at the scene of the crime. It's handy having it at an arms length, so they focus on that more and leave, bothering other people in the process.
Disclaimer : Not all your colleagues have souls or the accompanying sense of guilt.
Tip : Never ever ever mix the minties with the lollies! Big mistake on my end. And don’t forget to wash the metal scoop often as it always falls on the floor.
Tip #10 : Other floors and beyond.
You’re not just limited to the people in your general vicinity. If you’re brave enough, you could go exploring and plant flags ala Columbus. I personally have tried all the toilets in the building, with Level 4 being my fave. True story.
1st Floor – Julie the Sentry Nazi. It’s Germany vs Poland 1939 all over again! I’ll leave this one for you to figure out.
2nd Floor – A mischievous mythical creature roam these halls. Be on your guard whenever you’re sent down here as you might randomly meet the dreaded Lochmonster! It preys on the unsuspectingly innocent, playing pranks, generating insights, throws the word “propensity” around a bit, and generally causes trouble. A pain in the ass and also bites. Ouch. =P
4th Floor – Amid the dull wallpaper and the dingy cobwebs dwell the Finance people. If you hear the cackling and the boiling cauldron, then you’re already too close and too late. You have been warned!
Other points of interest, are round the back. If you’re lucky, you might also see the head honcho, Russell and some accounting trolls (Payroll).
5th Floor – Don’t really know anybody here, but they’ve got a nice sound proof break out room with satellite TV. Also, the only floor in the building that has machines that dispense baked beans and tuna tins.
6th Floor – The top of the mountain with perfect vantage points across all bearings.
The only floor that lets you access the balcony where many a people have jumped off from frustration.
Tip 11 : Breaking the space-time continuum.
Years (or months) from now, I want you to give yourself a good look in the mirror. Do you remember the first photo they took for your employee card? Compare that image to your reflection and note the differences. What do you see?
Do you see an old man who looks like he went through 2 world wars, 3 tours in Afghanistan, was made to squat in a shallow pool of water and tortured with electric shock? Do you see a woman with big hips, who looks like she gave birth to two sets of triplets a couple of years in a row as well as having a bad Indian curry the night before?
If yes, then let me extend my congratulations once more! It looks like you’ve broken the laws of physics and travelled well ahead in the future. That’s what we call the Vodadrone Effect.
In my case, the calendar says I only did 3 years but it actually took a toll of 10 physically and mentally. All the stringy white hair, those wrinkles that looks like the Sahara’s sand dunes, crow’s feet, freckles, memory loss, flabby forearms, and arthritis are all visible symptoms, not to mention all the cynicism that’s clung to your back like a jungle monkey in heat.
So that’s it. This is just a scratch on the surface and there’s still a lot of things to uncover as well as dirty laundry to air. But I’ll leave that for you to discover. What’s the fun with spoilers??? Vader is Luke’s father! Dumbledore dies! Neo is the one! Bruce Willis is actually one of the dead people! I didn’t give away too much did I?
So good luck on your journey and your tenure with the company. Your team can be quirky but it is, after all, what makes them unique. Have fun!!!
Signing off.
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