Cooking 101

There's no better way to describe this than to get straight to the point.

Ragz is a single guy, who lives by himself in a one bedroom apartment, short distance from work. Living by himself is an adventure already, as his mom is still back in India and he has no access to her delicious food and most of his troubles arise in the kitchen. Lately all his lunches consist of Subway sandwiches, and we had no way of saying what he had for dinner. Until now.

About a week ago we laughed through our tears when Ragz explained to us about his egg microwaving experience. It was as usual, during our support meeting. Tracy, Chantal and I were in for an amusing story.

- Can anyone tell me where I can buy a microwave plate?
- What plate?
- You know, the plate that sits in a microwave and spins.
- What happened to your plate?
- I microwaved an egg on it.

We looked at each other, unsure if this is where we should laugh, or perhaps an even funnier explanation would follow.

- How da… Why da… What da..? - was all we could manage in response.

- I was hungry. So I put an egg in a bowl of water (ohhh, so there was a bowl of water) and instead of cooking it burst all over the microwave.

It is already hard to imagine why would anyone with a proper stove would use a microwave at home to boil an egg. But after careful consideration and trying-to-be-understanding-while-suppressing-our-laughs looks we got more cooking lessons. Here they are.

Brown eggs cook longer than white eggs, Ragz confirmed, as he had boiled the eggs before in two different pots at home to see which one would boil faster. While the brown egg took 5 minutes, the white one took 2 minutes, so why not stick the white one in a microwave next time.

Forget the amount of water or the fact that the egg wasn't fully submerged in water, how did the bursting egg break the plate?

- Well, when I opened the microwave, the plate just jumped out on me.

No wonder, it was probably very scared after an eggsplosion.

- Can you not tape or glue it together?, said considerate Tracy, knowing that any other plate he buys would probably die of a heart attack within a short period any way.
- It broke, like, in a hundred little pieces!!! - sqeuaked back Ragz

I would too, if I knew there was a possibility of me going back into that microwave with Ragz on the other side of the door.

- You could make it a project? Like mosaics...

Being the helpful bunch we are we started offering subtle advice on how to clean a microwave. Even though he has spent a night scrubbing the egg of the ceiling (don't ask how that got there, no answer you get would be satisfactory as an explanation), the stench and the glued-up particles of yolk have decided to take a permanent residence in the microwave.

- Why don't you put a grape in? - I offered.
- Why would I put a grape in?
- Well, it's got this unusual quality of being acidic and when you microwave a grape, it takes all the smell out of the microwave, not talking about the yellow bits. It's a well known chemical process.

Tracy and Chantal give me the are-you-in-the-right-mind look and I just stare back at them. My stare wins.

- Oh yeah, then it would be sparkling clean! - they shout.

Tracy gives a bit more explanation on how to microwave a grape and for how long. Better yet, put two of each colour in and do not under any circumstances poke any holes in it, as it already has a hole at the bottom of the grape (or the top) where it is attached.

Ragz is all ears, thankful for the well-meaning advice. Until this morning.

- You!!! You!!!! And YOU!!!! He points at us screaming during the meeting in the lunch room this morning.

All angels turn to look at him while discussing the latest data loads.

- A GRAPE IN A MICROWAVE?

The whole lunch room jumped up while we bent over kicking and crying and laughing, barely hearing what he's got to say.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE I LISTENED TO YOU. NOT ONLY DID THE MICROWAVE TURN BLACK, I HAD TO FREEZE TO DEATH BECAUSE THE STENCH WAS OVERWHELMING AND I HAD TO OPEN THE WINDOWS!!!!

- Why would you microwave a grape?
- Because you told me it would help clean the microwave and get rid of the smell! I put it in and left thinking ahh-the pleasures of clean oven and came running back when the smell of the grape got stronger than the smell of a burst egg. It was BLACK and stuck to the microwave.
- Well, at least THAT didn't burst!
- Didn't burst? Didn't BURST?! - he squealed. It had became black and stuck to the microwave!

We forgot he had no plate… Well at least the smell of the egg was gone, right?

That was another sleepless night for Ragz and many more to come, as he's expecting a sales agent to come see the apartment this Saturday and has to scrub and clean to get rid of both smells, an egg on the ceiling and a grape in the oven. That's all right he's got about 72 hours.

Perhaps someone has a tip for him on how to clean up? Perhaps a cocktail of vinegar and baking soda in a large jar? Shaken, not stirred.

Some Links to what he should have googled before he tried it at home.

Grape Plasma

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